More Than a Survivor: Parvati Shallow's book redefines strength

Any long-time Survivor fan thinks they know who Parvati Shallow is: a five-time Survivor player with a win under her belt; the founder of one of Survivor's most dominant alliances in its history, the Black Widow Brigade alliance; and the woman who has an undeniable social, physical, and strategic legacy in the reality TV world. While Parvati's resume speaks for itself, she is so much more than the edited version we've seen of her throughout the years, and her memoir, Nice Girls Don't Win: How I Burned It All Down to Claim My Power, proves it.

I have to say that I read Parvati's book in a day, and while reading, I made some annotations to help me write this article. Little did I know I would end up with over 15 pages of quotes, memorable moments, Survivor anecdotes, and much more material to choose from. It would be unfair to reduce Parvati's book to just a few paragraphs. Still, I will say this: if you are someone who wants to "scratch the surface" a bit more when it comes to wanting to know such an empowered, empathetic, and incredible person as Parvati, then her book is the perfect beginning for you.

Parvati's book is first dedicated to her lovely daughter, Ama, and is divided into three sections: Surviving, Undoing, and Rebuilding. The Survivor references are ever-present in the book, even during Parvati's childhood. In the prologue, Parvati explains how surviving was ingrained in her blood as she escaped a new-age commune with her family when she was little, and she would then pursue that survival instinct from then on, as the adrenaline rush was addictive.

During the first part, Surviving, Parvati focuses on telling her story since her parents met, their mindset as they started to grow their family, and what led them to do it within a commune disguised as a functional society. Parvati's insights into interpersonal and social dynamics are fascinating, as she highlights the manipulation tactics used on vulnerable people to draw them into unknown and unsafe situations, leaving them vulnerable and off guard, which, as she states, could even be applied by people in a game like Survivor.

As Parvati and her family eventually leave the commune and start adapting to real life, Parvati notices she carries trauma from her childhood into her adolescence. Interestingly, Parvati cites author Pete Walker about how he describes four basic survival strategies: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses. Parvati then adopted the fawning surviving strategy, as it helped her gain approval and fit in with the tribe surrounding her, which also greatly helped when she eventually played Survivor.

Parvati was playing Survivor without even knowing when she was growing up. She saw what attracted, pulled in, and appealed to others, and slowly, she integrated these characteristics and behaviors into a new persona, which earned her what she wanted. From early on, Parvati knew how to pull in people and make them do her bidding, not in a bad way, but rather, in a powerful and impactful one. Others were lost to her charms without even knowing either.

Parvati's book reads almost as a Survivor master strategist book, as she retells the tips and tricks she used to make people fawn over her. It wasn't manipulative per se, but she knew her strengths, and who can blame her for using them? Parvati demonstrated from early on that she was cutthroat enough not only to play Survivor but to win the game. A perfect demonstration of this was when she auditioned to be on The Amazing Race and had to cut her friend to advance in the casting process.

While Parvati ultimately didn't get cast on TAR, and that friendship was strained from that moment on, it was what she needed to do to outlast, and eventually, it's what led her to Survivor. Was it ruthless and cunning on her part? Without a doubt. Did these actions pave the way for the Parvati we all met on Survivor that we love? Absolutely, and thank the universe for that.

One of Parvati's most revealing anecdotes was that she experienced vulnerability and betrayal for the first time in her life was in Survivor: Cook Islands, when Jonathan Penner betrayed the Raro alliance and blindsided Nate Gonzalez in favor of the Aitu four alliance. Parvati had thought Penner was on their side, and seeing how easily he flipped back to the other group made her realize she needed to step up her game.

Another challenging experience Parvati faced in the years she played Survivor was the constant sexism and misogyny she faced, as she was pigeonholed as a femme fatale, a player, and a bad person. The current social culture is different from what it was in the 2000s. While misogyny and sexism still unfortunately exist today, strategic women players in shows like Survivor are better regarded than they were back in 2006. Parvati had been playing a game and had used a solid flirting-fawning strategy to advance herself, but wasn't praised for it, neither on the island nor off of it, as several journalists labelled her with all kinds of aggressive words only for playing Survivor.

While hesitant to return to play in Survivor Micronesia, Parvati knew she needed to, as she sensed she would win. Parvati then retells what we know about Micronesia: how comfortable she felt playing with Amanda Kimmel and Cirie Fields, how afraid she was once the tribe switch happened, how she pulled Natalie Bolton and Alexis Jones in to blindside Eliza Orlins and the men, and how Erik Reichenbach almost destroyed the Black Widow Brigade's dreams at the final five. Then Operation Immunity Necklace happened, and the rest was history.

Even though Parvati won and her game in Micronesia is often praised for being a masterful class in how to play the game, at the time, people vilified her for being a headstrong, opinionated woman who didn't apologize for her gameplay, including her castmates. Parvati confesses that Ozzy Lusth's harsh words to her during Micronesia's Final Tribal Council made a lasting impression on her, and not for the right reasons.

However, Parvati's challenges in Survivor were far from over as her experience in Survivor Heroes vs Villains was tumultuous, to say the least. She faced an uphill battle from the beginning as no one wanted to work with her, save for Danielle DiLorenzo and notorious villain, Russell Hantz. Parvati aligned with Russell since he was the only person, aside from Danielle, who wanted to work with her. She recognized Russell's strengths in the game and, rather than shriek away in fear, she harnessed him in her favor. If Parvati were to throw a "little nugget of validation here and there" in exchange for his unquestioning loyalty, the more power to her.

The Final Tribal Council in Heroes vs Villains was brutal when former friends, Amanda and Candice Cody, barely acknowledged her or compared her behavior in the game to a domestic violence victim, respectively. As Parvati was also dealing with personal problems, including her younger brother's addiction struggles, Parvati developed her own addictions towards harmful relationships and power games.

During the book's second part, Undoing, Parvati talks about her relationship with former husband and Survivor player, John Finch, who played in Survivor Samoa, and with whom she shares her daughter, Ama. Parvati dealt with internal and external criticisms all while juggling motherhood, her matrimony, and single-handedly sustaining her family, especially when the COVID pandemic began.

Parvati narrates how her relationship with John deteriorated with time, but then she was presented with the opportunity to play in Survivor 40: Winners at War. While hesitant to play as she had just given birth and John wasn't around, she knew she would regret it if she didn't. Parvati only had a few months to stop breastfeeding, prepare for her baby's care, get into shape, and still work on her coaching business. Parvati also faced the fear of not being able to hack it while playing Survivor as a mom this time, as she knew the show loved to highlight the "out-of-shape mom" archetype to death.

The game, particularly the twist of the Edge of Extinction, took a toll on Parvati's mind and body. When she returned on her daughter's first birthday, she described herself as a "tweaked shell of herself." While she had already gone through the process of coming back from Survivor, this time she had to rebuild herself not only for herself, but also for her daughter. Ultimately, her relationship with John crumbled, and though Parvati was feeling emotionally drained, she realized that despite the world being in chaos due to the pandemic, people found solace as many discovered Survivor on streaming platforms.

Through escapism, people fled the horrors of the pandemic through Survivor, as it was the perfect mix of adventures, social dynamics, and change, precisely the things we all lost during those terrible years. With more people becoming familiar with Survivor, wave after wave of fans followed Parvati on social media. It came up with monikers for her, such as "Mother" for being an unapologetically flirty feminist. Parvati was finally being recognised for everything she did right during her Survivor experiences.

Amidst her divorce, her brother's passing, raising her daughter, and her growing coaching business, Parvati prioritized herself and Ama, which shifted her perspective on life and started thriving as opposed to surviving. This monumental change led to the book's third part, Rebuilding, where she talks about embracing her whole self unapologetically, her relationship with Mae Martin, and her journey of co-parenting her daughter. Finally, Parvati was at peace with several aspects of her life, but not without recognizing all the lessons she had learned along the way.

Lastly, Parvati shares some fascinating tidbits regarding her experiences on The Traitors, Deal or No Deal Island, and even how she mentally prepared to play the upcoming Australian Survivor season, Australia v The World. Parvati finished her book, saying that if she had to write a new story or start again, she now had the power and skills to do so, as she was anchored to her values and strong sense of self like never before.

While I won't spoil the book's last lines, Parvati delivers an emotional tribute to her Black Widow persona and instead of vilifying that part of her life, she gratefully accepts it and steps into her future endeavors with knowledge and light. This is a magnificent book that every Survivor fan should read, especially if one wants to get to know the real Parvati Shallow.

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