Survivor retro rewatch: Gabon (season 17) premiere

Straight out of Earth’s last Eden came Survivor Gabon; a cast best described as a wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious with our recap.

When it comes to the late teens / early 20s-era Survivor, fans often have polarizing feelings concerning individual seasons. However, it was when the show entered the realm of high definition broadcasts that fans really started to see the abyss of humanity peering back at its viewers. That season was Survivor Gabon, and boy was it a messy season.

All expectations were subverted right off the bat. Fans were treated to some of the most glorious settings, exquisite beaches and exotic wildlife in the opening footage montage, showing all the beauty Earth’s last Eden had to offer. Almost immediately afterward, however, came the following shots of players introducing themselves in, looking back, quite ironic twists of fate.

Crystal Cox puts her athletic foot forward. Bob Crowley demonstrates an everyman description of his life. G.C. Brown says he’s “grown now” as a person since his troubled days. Survivor Gabon set us up for plenty of types of characters to cheer for, but soon enough we’d learn that it would become a battle of “who do I tolerate the most?”

Kindergarten introductions

There’s a slight bit of enjoyment I get every time Jeff makes it abundantly clear he doesn’t know the cast in front of him. He just lets the cast of Survivor Gabon introduce himself this season so we can get to know “Danny” (G.C.), Bob, Jacquie (who?), Ken, Marcus (huh?), Charlie, Matty, Jesusita Smith (Susie), Paloma (did she actually play?), Randy, Ace, Crystal, Kelly (the purple one?), Corinne, Dan Kay, Michelle (what?), Sugar and Gillian.

Right off the bat, knowing full well I’d be watching my second-least-favorite season of Survivor, I wanted to go into this rewatch with a fresh perspective. However, this murderer’s row of “who’s that?” and “boy, what could have been” makes for a less-than-palatable experience. The only memorable people are either self-admittedly scummy, annoying, self-destructive or are Bob and Ken.

Then, on top of it all, Bob and Gillian, as the game’s elders, then picked their tribes right off the bat. The first choices set everything about Survivor Gabon in motion, as Bob picked Ace for the yellow Kota tribe and Gillian picked Crystal for the red Fang tribe. The complete and utter immolation of Fang was coming, and the decision to pick Crystal and let Crystal pick the third player on the tribe (Susie) lit the match.

L’eggo my ego

The first challenge of Survivor Gabon demonstrated the difficulties of creating challenges in Africa. “Climb this big-ass hill” offered up extra supplies for the first tribe up and individual immunity for the first player of each tribe to reach the top for their first Tribal Council. G.C. and Marcus were quick up the hill, but for Fang, getting to the top was a heart attack risk for several players.

Surprisingly, Olympic

Gold Medallist

participant Crystal Cox couldn’t relay herself up the hill quickly, while Gillian and Susie were gassed immediately. Michelle, who was picked last, was second up the hill for Fang and, knowing she was the least liked on her tribe, immediately shows an attitude that posits her tribe can “kiss her ass.”

Survivor Gabon is a battle of the egos, and there was plenty to go around in this two-hour introduction. Ace smarms it up, considering himself “the full package.” Randy has Opinions on how everyone is terrible and will let the confessional camera know it. Michelle exists to be a fun suck, complaining all the time. Gillian exists to be the Jane Goodall of Survivor. The latter two weren’t meant for this game in very different ways (more on that later).

De-Fang’d

Did I mention how much the Fang tribe sucks? Because they are pure garbage. Sure, there are worse tribes to have played this game, but before getting dissolved at the merge, there were only two Tribal Council nights where a Fang member went home without a Kota member going home, too. Think about that.

The first two Immunity challenges best demonstrated the disparity between the two tribes. The first tribal Immunity challenge was a basic obstacle trial; par for the course in Survivor. At the middle, three bags of puzzle pieces were required to be dug up, while three players at the end would solve the puzzle.

Even with Gillian, Susie and Randy not having to run the course, Kota got so far ahead that Fang didn’t even get to bring the puzzle pieces to the solving platform before Kota won. The second Immunity Challenge, “push a big boulder to grab high up keys,” was a bit closer a challenge, but Fang lost again and had Dan sent to Exile Island.

Even at Exile Island, I’ve never seen such incompetence from a player. Taking the clue, Dan reads out the following:

"Across the lake you see so wellThere lies a sand craterThe object hidden in its floorWill surely help you later"

One of my favorite parts of Survivor Gabon was the clue-by-clue search for the Hidden Immunity Idol, but that comes in a later episode. The reason why? Dan starts looking on the lake floor, not across the lake for the sandy crater. Right off the bat, Michelle described Fang as some of “the dumbest people on Earth,” and she may have been right.

Tribal Counseled

How dumb do you have to be to have been voted off by the dumbest people on Earth? That’s what happens to Michelle in the season’s first Tribal Council, where everybody agrees that they need a tribe leader and put it on G.C. because he speaks up at a time when nobody else would take on that role. He was on the road to say, “But since nobody’s volunteering we don’t need a tribe leader…” before everyone just tells him to take it, then Jeff underhandedly manipulates the tribe to making him the leader.